Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Mystery Missile Explained!

All of So Cal has been abuzz with news on this seemingly unexplained missile that was launched off the coast of Los Angeles on Monday evening. What was it? An airplane? A military test? An expensive promotional gimmick for Conan O'Brien's new TBS late-night talk show?

The Military has no explanation for it. Conspiracy theorists have their own hypotheses on it. People have been Tweeting about it.

The Militant Angeleno, the expert on all things Los Angeles and vicinity, actually knows. Thanks to operatives of operatives of operatives, the Militant was able gain exclusive access to a picture captured from the missile's onboard launch camera. In light of recent events, the picture makes a whole lot of sense:

Monday, November 8, 2010

(Unm)ask A Chola

A chola she definitely is NOT...She still cute though.

The local blogger/vlogger/Tweeter/internet personality world rocked with an earthquake the past few days as the formerly unspecified Ask A Chola's identity was revealed.

Not only was she not a chola (fairly obvious though), but she was someone who wasn't even Latina - she is revealed to be a Greek American named Chloe Michalopolous. and not "Soledad from East Los" as previously puported. And the stinger? She ain't even from the Eastside. She ain't even from the fake Eastside! She's from Orange County!


Get the rope.

Of course, there are actual cholas from the O.C. (which does not stand for "Original Chola"), and though she hardly resembled any of the heavily-makeup'd, gravity-defying oversprayed hair-bang chicks the Militant remembered from his Jr. High and High School days, he probably chalked her up as a pocha who similarly went to school or lived in close proximity to cholas. But nawwww!

The Militant feels a little disillusioned right now. He feels like burning all his Ask A Chola merchandise. Okay, he has none, but maybe he'll delete her site from his web browser's bookmark list. Admittedly, and as you can see from the Militant's lovely photo, Ask A Chola was a quasi-semi-part inspiration for the Militant Angeleno, and now he feels like a 10-year-old who was informed that there is no Santa Claus.

The Militant actually spotted Ask A Chola (or is that Ask A Chloe?) this past August in Chinatown hanging out in the Chinatown central square for the Chinatown Summer Nights program. She was sitting on a bench, wearing a retro-style yellow dress, and she definitely fit the description. Besides, she just tweeted she was there, and she was typing away on her smart phone.

The Militant was soooo tempted to snap a pic of her and reveal her to the world, but Blogger's Honor prevailed (he would get pissed if one of his peers ratted him out!) so the Militant just let it go. Of course, who would have known she was a phony? The transplants love to say "L.A. people are all phony" - Of course, this particular phony is from The O.C.!

Now that the damage has been done, the Militant wants to let you, a person who may or may not be a regular reader of this here blog, know that the Militant Angeleno is not a phony. He is who he says he is: A native Los Angeleno who has long been pissed off about people's general ignorance about Los Angeles, and efforts by transplants and the East Coast media hegemony to perpetrate that ignorance. The Militant never made any claims about his ethnic heritage, other than that his parents immigrated from an unspecified Third World country. All of the above was, is and will always be TRUE. The Militant is The Real Deal. Believe it!

And if you don't here's a scan of part of the Militant's actual birth certificate (click to enlarge):
Okay, any and all identifying information has been pixelated out...but the pertinent information is there: 1) It is a document from the State of California; 2) The Militant was born in Los Angeles County; 3) The Militant was born in the City of Los Angeles and 4) He was born inside the city limits. Not merely a So Cal native but a Los Angeles native! Buhleedat!

The Militant should take this opportunity to reach out to all the fellow disillusioned Ask A Chola fans out there: Here's a masked person who walks the walk, talks the talk and even bikes the bike. Sure he won't talk about UFOs that much, but you'll learn craploads about this City, researched and written from the perspective of a real Angeleno who grew up on its real streets. Besides, she hasn't updated her blog since February 2009! (And you though thought the Militant is slacking!) If you're looking for your new masked hero, The Militant Is It!

Despite the Militant's little prank earlier this Spring, the Militant remains anonymous. Sure, some think they know who he is. But the Militant can never confirm or deny such hypotheses. Even if he is revealed, he may no longer be anonymous and unspecified, but he will still very much be...a Militant Angeleno.

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Dia De Los Muertos 2010: The Militant Visits The Dead

Today, as you may or may not know, is Dia De Los Muertos. The Militant has written about people, places and events in Los Angeles, so the Militant figured he'd commemorate the day by visiting the dead.

The Militant was near the Westside on Monday, and happened upon a memorial park by the west end of the Baldwin Hills in Culver City. It was Holy Cross Cemetery, a 71-year old, 200-acre memorial park with sweeping vistas of the South Bay and the Pacific Ocean.

After some Militant research, he discovered that there are quite a few well known Angelenos who have made this their final resting place.

Upon entering the grounds and driving up the hill where a replica of Michelangelo's Pieta sculpture stands, and right under a tree to the right of it, the Militant spotted the headstone of a very beloved figure in Los Angeles sports and one of the greatest play-by-play announcers who have ever lived:
Yes, the great Chick Hearn lies here.

Up the road towards the north, not far from the front entrance of the cemetery's main chapel/mausoleum, lies another legendary Los Angeles sports figure, a man who helped expand professional sports to the West:
Former Dodgers owner Walter O'Malley, the man who brought a bunch of bums from Brooklyn and painted an entire city blue make his eternal home base here (The Militant won't say whether he heard the sound of somebody turning over underground in light of what has happened over the past year, or the horrific, unspeakable event that was to occur on Monday night). Being the great blue-bleeding Dodger fan that the Militant is, he can't thank Mr. O'Malley enough for his favorite team. But the Militant is also forever grateful for Mr. O'Malley's pioneering vision and initiative in making professional sports not only possible in this City, but in the entire western United States.

Another pioneer, this time in the world of motion pictures rests several yards to the east:
Though his epitaph reads, "Beloved King of Comedy," for the Militant, and this entire motion picture industry, he is known for so much more. Nearly a hundred years ago, he founded the Keystone Pictures Co. studios in Edendale (now part of Echo Park), which was the first motion picture sound stage in the world and the genesis of the film industry in Los Angeles.

Speaking of movies, Holy Cross is also the final resting place of countless legends of the silver screen. Located in the Grotto area (just a few yards south of Chick Hearn's grave, towards the entrance) are the gravesites of:
Actor and crooner Bing Crosby; and just a few yards north, on the right side of the Grotto near the curb:
Legendary actress Rita Hayworth.

More contemporary Hollywood figures spend their final repose here, including John Candy and Ricardo Montalban, though the Militant had a hard time trying to locate their gravesites.

Being this the time of the year that it is, there were many of the living making visits to their own stars in their lives here, leaving flowers, mementos or just spending a quiet moment with their loved ones.

One section of the cemetery was somewhat more decorated than the rest of the grounds, with many families standing over headstones, praying or paying respects. A look at the birth and death dates of the stones indicated that those buried in this section were mostly young children, who, for whatever reason, never had a chance to even enjoy a fraction of the lives that we have enjoyed. The Militant felt a little guilty being here, not knowing anyone buried here very closely (most of the Militant's own beloved who passed are buried in an unspecified land far, far away).

Whether or not you observe religious or cultural traditions, the Militant hopes that all of you living Angels in this City just take even a moment to remember your own beloved ones who are now no more in this life. However big or small, their legacy lives on as long as they are remembered.