May Or May Not - A Month Of Militancy, Part 3: Drive Like The Militant!

Throughout the Militant Angeleno's 11-month blog journey, he's put an extremely disproportionate amount of subject matter on riding his bicycle, leading many, especially those in the bike community, to assume he's another "bike blogger." Well, kinda sorta. Again, the Militant reiterates that he is not necessarily pro-bike or anti-car, he uses and celebrates all modes of transport (though he's yet to take to horseback, maybe the LA Cowboy can led some pointers). So this time around, the Militant will share with you his driving tips and techniques.

1. Drive Less - Well duh. It's the latest craze sweeping the nation! So what's the point of driving less when you own a car? Simple economics. You'll spend less money on gas and maintenance (due to less wear-and tear on your car both inside and out). Driving less also decreases the likelihood of you getting in an accident which in turn potentially lowers your insurance costs. And when you do drive, and hopefully not when everyone else is, your driving experience will be less chore and more of the recreational pleasure it was originally meant to be. Be like the Militant and take advantage of every mode of transportation available to you: walking, bicycle, bus, train, razor scooter, rollerblade, skateboard, Segway, pogo stick, whatever. Map out where you live and set a radius on how far you should walk, or take transit or use other modes. Beyond that distance, only then would driving would be allowed. Since the Militant adopted this system, he now only fills his tank every 2-3 weeks.

2. Drive Only During Longer Trips - The Militant has a 10-mile rule: The car, as much as possible, is to be used only for trips exceeding 10 miles. The internal combustion engine is most effective when going for long, uninterrupted trips, and not when you constantly make cold stops and starts, which is why you use up way more gas when making 285 miles of trips around town than heading straight to Vegas (but not on a Friday evening when the 15 is just as congested).

3. Cheap Gas? It May Not Or May Be Worth It - That $2.49 gas out in La Freaking Habra that you heard about on KFWB sounds awfully tempting. But is the drive from Hollywood really worth it? You're gonna waste more gas getting there than recouping your savings. The Militant advises you to fuel up at the cheapest gas station within a 2-mile radius of your home or workplace, as you're really not gonna save anything in the end.

4. Zen and The Art of Road Rage - When someone waves to you on the road with 1/5th of their hand, IGNORE THEM! They do that to illicit a reaction from you, usually to get you just as pissed off as they are. So even if you find yourself getting flipped off, avoid eye contact, and even pretend you never saw them. Seriously. Because you don't know them, they don't know you, and it's probably ideal to keep the relationship that way. Because if this escalates into a honking match to a shouting match to "I'm pulling over and getting out of my car and kicking your ass" match or even an accident, you really don't wanna have to see that person again, especially in a courtroom setting. Ignoring someone is worse than openly expressing your dislike towards them -- you are refusing to acknowledge their existence, hence not being worth your while, which makes all their effort into displeasing you a total waste of time. Ignoring people WORKS. After all, the mainstream media does it to non-black minorities all the time.

5. DE-FENSE! (clap, clap) DE-FENSE! (clap, clap) DE-FENSE! (clap, clap) - ALWAYS DRIVE DEFENSIVELY and check your ego at the door. If some cartard insists on getting the right-of-way even though they aren't legally entitled to it. Stop or get out of their way. Again, you really don't want to get to know this person (see above). Treat those kinds of drivers like inanimate objects. If a boulder rolls down on the road in front of you, are you gonna honk your horn at it, roll down your window and drop verbal f-bombs at it and drive towards it, hoping it'll keep rolling out of your way? It's a f-ing boulder. You notice it, react and swerve out of its way, and continue on with your day. Don't let any fools on the road bring down your day.

6. There Is A Season, Turn, Turn, Turn Signals - Once you've decided you want to change lanes, use them. You'll get better value out of your car. After all, your car was built with the assumption that you'd actually use it.

7. Combine Those Trips - If you live in Echo Park, and suddenly decided you want to go to Fry's in Burbank on a Friday night to pick up that limit-one-per-customer widescreen 24" Samsung LED monitor you've been pining for, and then have to visit your sister in North Hollywood on Saturday, um...why not move one activity over and do both on the same trip? You'll save on time, money, hassle and gas. Zipping back and forth around town not only wastes the aforementioned time and gas, but then you're just another fool taking up needless space on the road.

8. Very Be Carpool - It's okay to drive if every seat in your car is full, because you're using your vehicle to its designed capacity. Driving solo in a minivan or a gas-guzzling SUV? Stupid. If you live in Koreatown and your friend in Irvine is having a party at the Dave & Busters out there, and your other friends in North Hollywood, Silver_Lake and Boyle Heights are going to the same party...then you should all get together, meet at one of your houses and roll down together. Again, saves money, saves gas and takes cars off the damn road.

9. American Idle - The Militant did get to carpool with a nearby operative recently on a day trip to San Diego. The Militant suggested the fastest way to SD, as he always does, was to get on the 60 East and take the 15 south - the destination was near the 15 and the 8 in SD anyway. He decided not to, citing that it's gonna use up more gas to get out there, so the operative opted to take the 5 straight down. On a Saturday. So there we were, hitting Los Angeles traffic, hitting the Commerce-to-Cerritos traffic, hitting south Orange County traffic, hitting North SD County traffic. The trip took 3 1/2 hours (Los Angeles to SD via the 15 takes 2 - 2 1/2 hours guaranteed). Moral to the story, you're gonna waste more gas idling in traffic than taking a longer, but faster route.

10. Know Thy Shortcuts! - The Militant's system of local shortcuts, like his identity, is a closely-guarded secret, so he ain't gonna give them away. But if you read this entry, you could easily find The Road Less Traveled for your commutes and find your away around town in a more efficient manner. Most fools stuck on the freeways don't really know this City very well, and only stick to the route familiar to them. So any Militant driver knows that the best way between Downtown and the Valley during Friday evening rush hour is to take the [classified information] to the [classified information], make a left at [classified information] and take [classified information] all the way into Burbank.

May Or May Not - A Month Of Militancy, Part 2: F/Buck The Stereotypes!

You've heard them all before. And maybe you may or may not have spouted some yourself (shame on you). But hearing all the lame cliche preprogrammed stereotypes about this great city is one of the realities of being an Angeleno. Fortunately, one of the realities of being a Militant Angeleno is knowing how to debunk them. So in this second (yes, the Militant has been behind again, but think of this as ten posts in one!) installment of May or May Not - A Month of Militancy, the Militant presents, in no particular order, the most commonly-heard Los Angeles stereotypes and his responses to them, so you can prepare yourself for delivering some serious pwnage to the next whiny transy you encounter.

Yes, nobody in Los Angeles takes transit. Every one of those people were Photoshopped in. Yeah, Uh-huh.

1. "Nobody takes transit in L.A./This is L.A., everybody drives a car." Sarcasm aside, that was an actual photo above of the Red Line at Union Station. Shouldn't it be empty or something? If nobody takes transit, then why do these people (however misguided) gripe about overcrowded buses? Yes, this is "L.A.," but even more importantly, this is the 21st century. Gas is currently around $4, and according to a recent Cars.com survey, 66% of drivers are driving less these days. Is our transit system perfect? Of course not. But it's not gonna get any better if you discourage people from taking it. The Militant supports all modes of transit, and isn't necessarily anti-car. Driving a car is meant to be fun. But it's not fun when you're stuck in traffic. So a real Militant Angeleno only drives when the conditions are present where it's less hectic.

2. "L.A. is sooooo spread out." The Militant swears that most transplants are not actually humans but robots; because they come equipped with pre-recorded voice playback systems that seemingly repeat that phrase on cue. Perhaps they come here to assimilate Angelenos into their Borg or are part of the robotic insurrection that John Connor (a native Angeleno, after all) must defeat. The large size of the region can't be argued, but why the loaded "spread out" instead of simply, "large" and "grand?" Nobody ever says the United States of America is "sooooo spread out." Nobody ever says the state of Texas is "sooooo spread out." But they are. So why does only Los Angeles get this negative distinction? Well all the Militant will have to say is that people fear the unknown and dislike what they fear. They like to point out its spreadoutedness as if it's the way Angelenos originally planned it. But in reality, it's people originally from the East Coast who designed Los Angeles the way it is.

Los Angeles started as a tiny pueblo along a river by Spanish pobladores in September 1781. For more than 100 years it remained a tiny pueblo, and even until as recently as the turn of the 20th century it was just a little 25-square mile patch centered where Downtown is today (denoted by the yellow square in the map). Who made it spread out? People like Phineas Banning from Wilmington, DE, who built a railroad from Downtown to San Pedro and created a harbor (the harbor was supposed to be much closer in Santa Monica, but Banning, in his spreadouted wisdom wanted it over 20 miles south). Or Henry Huntington from Oneonta, NY, who acquired, developed and sold land all around Southern California and built his own electric railway to connect everything together. Come to think of it, lots of people rode around in that thing back in the day, which was larger than the NYC subway system, and Southern California was waaaay less dense than it is today. Take that.

3. "L.A. will never be a bicycling city." Yes, the Militant knows what today is. But he isn't celebrating it with any special fanfare since, well nearly every day is BTWD. But seriously now, have you noticed the increased number of bikes on the road? And why are things like this and this suddenly getting attention lately? Hmmm? Even more important, Los Angeles has more or less a grid system of generally wide-enough roads, relatively flat terrain (who wants to bike in Frisco with all those hills?) and FAVORABLE WEATHER (which is the reason why most of you fools are here in the first place). Things like ignorant drivers can always be mitigated. Besides, around a hundred years ago, long before we had freeways for automobiles, they built this thing just for bicycles - the first of its kind anywhere - in what is now NELA.

4. "L.A. food sucks. You can never find a decent ______ out here!" Oh, poor you. You came "out here" to be famous/work in the industry. You came "out here" because you like the weather. But gasp! The food isn't to your liking! So the whole place sucks now! Oh the horror!
Now if that were a real whiny transy speaking to the Militant, the bitch-slapping would commence right about now. But this is only a re-enactment. Okay, so transplants come here and expect everything to be in its proper place, and in their little idyllic, myopic world, life has the best of "out here" and the best of "back home," and you never have to work hard, be concerned or worry about anything ever. Yeah. Okay. So the best pizzeria in town, despite their efforts to be authentically NY/East Coast, still does not pass muster. Well there's a scientific reason for that. Social scientists have hypothesized that food is intrinsically linked with nostalgic emotions. In Deborah Lupton's book Food, the Body and the Self, she writes:

"Commodities such as food act as "storehouses" for meaning, serving as reminders of events in one's personal past. Personal nostalgia sacralizes commonplace food items whose consumption revives memories of good times. Personal nostalgia may be defined as a kind of homesickness, a sense of loss, a rosy memory of childhood as warm and secure. It involves a bittersweet longing for home."

So there you go. A decent slice of NY pizza isn't necessarily Los Angeles' weakness, it's a mere security blankie for the thumb-sucking transplant. So in reality, it's not that Los Angeles is in need of better pizza, but that these people really just need to see a shrink.

And yes, the same gastronostalgic emotions overcome many immigrants as well. But unlike transplants, they actually get off their asses and learn how to make the damn food themselves.

5. "There's no places to eat past 10 p.m. out here." Where the f do you live? Orange County? That's just as Los Angeles as southwestern Connecticut is to NYC. Same region, not the same lifestyle. Aside from the expected, try Thai Town or Koreatown, where most establishments are open until 4 a.m. or 24 hours. And if you're too lame for ethnic food, the Militant spotted one place on Cahuenga in Hollywood opening soon (pictured right).

6. "L.A. people are self-centered, fake and superficial." If Angelenos were really that self-centered, fake and superficial, then why are there, according to volunteermatch.org, at least 2,300 (there are much more in actuality) 501(c)3 non-profit organizations in the Los Angeles area whose collective missions are to serve various issue-, geographic-, faith-, ethnic- and needs-specific communities? And to help fulfill their missions with volunteers -- you know, people who do stuff for free? Doesn't sound characteristic of a land fraught with superficiality. Maybe people who say that just need to meet people in another part of town, or learn to actually learn to actually interact with people outside of their limited social sphere (which may actually include the self-centered, fake and superficial, but is in no means representative of the populace at large). You are what you know, and if all you know are self-centered, fake and superficial people, then maybe that self-centered, fake and superficial Angeleno is looking at you right in the mirror.

7. "People from L.A. don't know how to drive in the rain." Already covered it.

8. "L.A. is a one-industry town." Um, according to this site, these are the largest industries in Los Angeles, in order of employment:

1. Direct international trade
2. Tourism
3. Technology, including aerospace
4. Motion picture/TV production
5. Business and professional services
6. Wholesale trade (excluding autos, apparel)
7. Health sciences/biomedicine

So gee, why is "our one industry" ranked #4?

9. "Everybody out here is from somewhere else." People who say that probably never read this here blog. One of the largest industries, listed above, is the health-related industry, which means we have a bunch of, you know, hospitals? And people are born in hospitals...so therefore, all these babies born in local hospitals are, you know, born in Los Angeles. Imagine that. Aside from yours truly, here's a list of other people you might have heard of who are actually from here.

10. "L.A. has no history." The Militant addresses this at length about every four posts, so no need to revisit that. But this page (select "Photo Collection" in the pulldown menu on top, and search at your heart's delight) will prove all the lackshistorytards wrong. So very wrong.

Oh there's more, and the Militant may or may not write an entire book debunking every stereotype about Los Angeles (hmmm...not a bad idea). But since the Militant's been lacking on posts lately, this'll do for now. Stay armed and stay Militant!

May Or May Not - A Month Of Militancy, Part 1: Know Yer Geography!

Hard to believe, but we've already reached the fifth month of the year (Or rather, the FIST month of the year?)

Yes, this is the first day of the month of May Or May Not. And to celebrate not only the merging of one of the Militant's favorite phrases with the new calendar month, as well as as significant day for Militants of another kind, the Militant will commemorate the month with a series of edjumacational posts.

Yes, you may or may not know the Militant, but nearly every day the Militant gets emails asking, "How can I be a Militant Angeleno too?" Well look no further. This entire month of May Or May Not, the Militant will offer posts on how you, yes, you can be a Militant too. Or if you're a transplant whose been here for a number of years and wants to make a lifelong commitment to be a real Angeleno, how to raise your militancy level. Or at the very very least, like if you just got here off the Greyhound last Friday, how to not whine so much.

Part 1: Know Yer Geography!

- The View From Here: It's a well-known fact that most Americans can't place the US on a map, or even recognize states within the country. Or even make sense of any of it. If you're on the Space Shuttle, can you spot Los Angeles?
It's quite easy. Look for the Palos Verdes Peninsula - which looks like a big clenched fist punching through the west coast. That's right, suckas! This land was made for Militants!

Can you tell the difference between the Santa Monica, San Gabriel and Santa Susana mountain ranges? Do you know that they all envelop the San Fernando Valley?

- Study The Guide: A staple for many Angelenos is El Guia de los Hermanos Tomás. But most (non) Militant Angelenos simply keep it in their cars and only refer to it when they get lost, wasting time in the process flipping from page 512A to 512C with the book in their lap while driving. A MILITANT ANGELENO NEVER GETS LOST! Instead of keeping it in your car, study it! Read it on your Metro commute. Read it while in the waiting room of your doctor;s office. Read it in the bathroom when you take a dump. Doesn't matter. Once you learn that west of Beverly Hills, Santa Monica Blvd. is south of Wilshire, or that Whitnall Highway in the Valley is not really a highway, or that we got numerical avenues 2-12 in the West Adams/Mid-City area and 16-67 in NELA (But why no avenues 1, 13 or 15 anywhere?), then you will know where things are.

The Militant spent years studying The Guide, so much that if he were to be blindfolded and dropped off anywhere in the City of Los Angeles, he can make it home, without the use of a map, in less than an hour and a half ( Of course, if you ever met the Militant, which may or may not ever happen, this is not a direct challenge you to blindfold him and drop him off at an undisclosed location. Nor is this an invitation for any of his operatives to pull anything similar). And yes, you L337 G33Kz, you can use Mapquest, Google Maps, Gmapz Pudomiter or Google Earth, which is a fine substitute, but there's something about taking in chunks of the City framed by a single page that you can't get by dragging your mouse. PLus, if you do have The Guide memorized, how much faster it will be for you to navigate an online map.

- Explore! Via Different Means! The Militant also got to know his City real well by getting around strictly by bus for nine years before getting his driver's license. His $4 Monthly Student Pass (yea, the Militant is blatantly dating himself) was like a passport to the world. And that was before we had any trains or rapid buses. So you got no excuse! And yes, bike riding's the big rage now. Truth be told, when you're driving in your car, any street that doesn't have a signal doesn't really exist to you unless it's your origin or destination. So you're missing out on a lot. And walk around town too! We've got great weather for walking...Either way, you'll see streets you never knew, much less heard of, before. Streets that can bear history, architectural significance, or even a creek. You'll never know unless you get to know 'em.

- Know Your Directions! There's always gonna be mountains to the north or east of you, and ocean to the south or west of you. Unless you're in the Valley, whereby you would replace "ocean" with "not-so-tall mountains." The sun always sets over the ocean, except in the summer when it sets over western Malibu due to the Earth's axis.

- That Whole Eastside/Westside Thing: Already covered it, thank you.

- Know What City You're In! Look at the street signs! If it's blue with white lettering or black with all upper-case white lettering (old school), you're in the City of Los Angeles. Glendale has off-white with black lettering. West Hollywood has blue also, but with the city's outline logo on the left side. Santa Monica's is blue too, but with a yellow bar. The list goes on. Sometimes the street signs on both sides of a street will differ. You're on the border. Try not to call the police at that point. If something happens, move over a block before calling.

Yes, this is all basic stuff, but ya gotta have the foundations before you move ahead. So get with it, militants-in-training!