Thursday, June 17, 2010

The Militant's Suggestions On How To Prevent Post-Laker Championship Rioting

It's that time of the year, peoples. The Lakers may or may not have it in the fridge with the jello jiggling and alla dat, but some stupidass muddafuggas be knockin' that fridge over and setting it ablaze, thereby confirming the notions of East Coasters, Midwsterners and Northern Californians that Angelenos are some sort of inferior life form.

On Thursday, the LAPD plans to have the entire DTLA South Park area on lockdown, preventing people without tickets from entering the vicinity (But what if you were in the area for the big E3 Expo next door?).

Well, the Militant, who knows Los Angeles like no other, has a few fail-proof suggestions for y'all to avoid harm, destruction and further damage to our collective urban reputation. Mr. Mayor, City Council, Chief Beck, AEG and Jerry Buss -- the Militant Angeleno hereby asks you take heed of the following:

1. Get Kobe Bryant to go out after the game, address everyone outside and say, "Yo, if you''re gonna riot, there won't be no Laker parade." But he gots to be dressed up like this.

2. Hand out free vuvuzelas to everyone. Sure, there will be one loud, annoying, buzzing, B-flat drone emanating from Downtown Los Angeles for an hour and a half, but let's face it, no one's gonna be smashing windows, torching trash cans, overturning cars or stealing merchandise when they have a vuvuzela in their mouth.

3. Show Lady Gaga's "Alejandro" video up on those big-ass LA Live HD video screens. Just sayin'.

4. Stage one ginormous Michael Jackson "Thriller" flash mob right there at Figueroa and Chick Hearn Ct. Come on, it's Michael Jackson.

5. Send in the food trucks. All of them. Everyone loves food trucks. Okay, well, except these guys.

6. Send in the cast of "Glee" to do some cheesy song-and-dance routine to a popular cover song. That seems to make people happy for some reason, so inevitably it will curb one's spontaneous urge to engage in violent activity. Hard to believe? Don't stop believin'!

7. Project the movie "Sex and the City 2" on the Ritz-Carlton Building. If that don't work, nothing will.

8. Have Mayor Villaraigosa show up in front of the crowd so everyone will boo him. People will spend all their energy booing, no one's gonna riot. They're gonna be doing that during the Laker Victory Celebration anyway, so we might as well let everyone get it out of their system.

9. Blank out the entire 4th quarter of the game on TV and Radio, and make everyone believe the Celtics won the game. Then at 7 a.m., make a public announcement that goes, "Just kidding. The Lakers are NBA Champs!" Everyone will be able to watch the 4th Quarter on YouTube later on anyway.

10. Have everyone there mutually agree not to riot, but send Tweets/Facebook updates/text messages telling people as if they were. Their friends aren't gonna know the difference.


EL CHAVO! said...

Why would we want to avoid a riot? The history of LA shows that they help move us forward, cuz the dirtbags in power always forget some common lessons.

Militants don't side with the police. ;)

Militant Angeleno said...

So how exactly did last year's Post-Lakers Championship riot move us forward? Please explain. Thanks to previous Post-Lakers Championship riots, it's gonna be a near police state out there on Thursday night. Surely you don't call that progress.

You might view this as a police/oppression issue, the Militant views it as something much deeper and significant than that, and that is the yearning for Angelenos to become more a more public, rather than private, people.

Lastly, for your information, the Militant doesn't side with police. The Militant sides with the Militant. Furthermore, by your usage of the plural term "MilitantS," you are suggesting that there must be a semblance of conformity with regard to like-labeled individuals. Sorry, but conformity isn't what the Militant is about.

m said...

You'd really only need the first 10 minutes of Sex in City 2 to disperse the crowd. You'll still get sued for deliberate cruelty or some such.

Margaret Pynchon said...

(That was me, Mrs. P.)